Document as much as possible
That was, and continues to be, one of my important self-directives. Videos, photos, X-rays, writing in any form, calendar, whatever.
Why on earth would I want to see how hideous I looked immediately post-op, or how emaciated and blobby my legs became, how I could barely stand and move, how grody my face looks with no make-up and nasty hair because I haven’t showered because who cares since I’m not leaving the house for who knows how long?
And why would I want to journal my experience in the moments when it is total sh*tballs and dark and not colored with my intended positivity?
Why would I want a detailed calendar that shows me that I’ve had 11 surgeries, 15 sets of injections, a bazillion Dr. and PT appts.?
Why, with a mindset on positivity, forward momentum, lofty goals, and winning would I want all of that?
Because it shows my progress. And because it is real.
It is mostly for me, but also for anyone that wants to see it, especially if it is helpful for them. On days where I might feel like my progress has stagnated I can quickly pull up a video from a week or two prior and see that there has indeed been progress. On days when I’m in a funky mood I can reread something I’ve written that then puts me in the right spot. X-rays remind me of what is happening inside my body and why I need to be still.
And, always, to laugh, because some of this shizz is really freaking funny and it is good for keeping things in perspective!
Go Write!
Writing when I have felt at my worst has been one of the most important tools. I’ve found it impossible to accurately capture the true intensity and color if I write about the darker times when I’m already through it, looking back. It has to be written in the moment.
For example, here’s something dark from a few weeks ago:
“I sit here writing about writing because my process for compiling thoughts and cohesive ideas and relationships has been interrupted. I’m finding it difficult to get into any sort of flow. In fact, my doctor told me to “stagnate”, which has apparently spilled over into my brain. Not that this is anything new, one of the reasons I love to move is to find my mental flow. This is where my best thinking happens. But now, forced to be still, I am also forced to find a new way. Perhaps this obstacle is the way – the obstacle is always the way. Perhaps if instead of fighting it I lean into it I will find a new way. My new way. This forced stagnation isn’t ending anytime soon, and the longer I fight it, the longer it will last. This is also the best time period to dedicate to writing since I have more time for it. Perhaps simply sitting and writing about writing is the way. The way to heal and the way to write.”
And this is also dark:
“What is the opportunity here? Is it to dig even deeper into the whole being healing? Is it to stagnate longer and more fully in order to write? Is it to push me to even higher levels of fortitude? Nothing will ever replace my “most difficult experience ever” but is this vying to come close? Is this part of healing from that, a possibly equally difficult journey of literal physical closing that mirrors the painful tearing apart? Maybe that frightens me, that I will lose connection to that. Maybe it means nothing at all and my mind is as restless as my body. Having children literally tore me apart, and now rebirthing myself is fusing me together – this has to all be connected.”
But then I have moments of joy and success sprinkled in, like this, a note I sent to my doctor:
“There is separation between the pain points now, so if I exclude all of the circumstantial points (painful metal, allergy issues, abdominal muscle issue – I don’t even care, we can handle all of that), I’m left with none of my previous pubic joint pain and referring nerve issues. None! Additionally, I can do things I haven’t done in years, or maybe ever. And, despite the metal acting as a doorstop, I can tell that the hip joint capsules are finally easing. My hip ROM is the best yet. This has been the literal missing piece for everything.
I don’t know how I was functioning before. This is working and it is life changing.”
And this moment of joy:
PRESS PLAY
What a difference a few weeks makes! Recognizing the profundity of change and improvement when looking back on the darker moments, I am propelled even further forward than I otherwise would be. Reconnecting with the early writing is a catalyst for even more improvement, like an arrow being drawn back in order to fly forward.
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