Yesterday’s blog post from Seth Godin has been brewing in my head for a full day now. I can’t dismiss it without some exploration and then thoughts on how and why to change the story, so here we go…
First, read Seth’s post:
If we’re hungry, the obvious solution is to eat something.
If we’re restless, it pays to get up and walk around.
Is stress different?
Along the way, it seems as though we got confused about the best way to deal with the stress that comes from work and from the projects we work on.
“Push through the stress and on the other side, everything will be okay.”
Simply get all the details right, get an A, get into a famous college, make the sale, polish the logo, do the pitch and then… reassurance will follow.
The reassurance of success or even survival. The reassurance of external acclaim or simply relief.
Now that everything’s okay, no need to be stressed!
Until the next time. Which might be tomorrow.
Reassurance is futile, because there’s never enough of it.
Some folks manage to get their projects done without this sort of stress. They’re not using the search for reassurance as fuel.
The solution to stress isn’t reassurance. It’s accurately understanding the world as it is, and making choices about what we do and how we do it. But far more than that, we relieve stress by making choices about the stories we tell ourselves.
What’s the difference between giving a speech to your dog and giving one on the TED stage? It’s the same speech. The difference is in the story we tell ourselves about the stakes, the opportunity and what might happen next. If that story gets debilitating enough, it can paralyze us.
If you’re on a backpacking trip, there’s little doubt that ten more minutes of tired to get to the next campsite is a smart investment. A little more tired translates into a lot more rest.
But if you’re at work, there’s not a lot of evidence that more stress is the best way to have less stress.
Look for the story instead.
[PS It’s not easy to change your story. For some people, and in some situations, it’s almost impossible. But that doesn’t mean that more stress in search of reassurance is going to make your search for a useful story any easier. If others in your situation have figured out a story that works for them, that’s a good sign that you might find one too. If no one has, changing your situation (if you can) might be the best way forward. But we need to get unhooked from the cycle of reassurance.]
– Seth Godin, August 24, 2021
Reassurance
That strikes me. Is THAT what we seek when we are stressed, nervous, anxious? I think it is! But I also think we seek reassurance in everything we do. The reassurance that comes in the forms of external validation, internal relief, and everything in between.
Some of this is healthy. It is the result of caring and striving, especially if it is of the intrinsic variety.
Writing this blog, for example, is a personal project, driven by me. I don’t base my writing on external factors – it isn’t a paid job, I don’t have constraints to fit into, rules, assignments, etc. This is purely driven by me, and the reassurance comes each morning when I meet my personal goal of writing and delivering a post. Healthy stress met with healthy reassurance – all of the above created for me, by me.
Performing
I love the image of giving a speech to the dog being the same as delivering a TED talk – it is TRUE! As a lifelong performing musician, I had my first experiences with performance anxiety starting at age 6. I could practice my music in the living room, my bedroom, wherever, all day long, but on stage in front of a crowd? That felt different, even at that young age. Being asked to play for a neighbor or friend or relative that stopped by? Also nerve wracking. Why is that? How are those people different than my family members that would wander in and out of my practice sessions?
It’s the stories.
The stories we invent when we don’t already have assurance from those new people.
I already knew what my family thought of my music. But I had no idea what the new people thought. Opinions mattered. I didn’t own the story I was telling with my music, instead basing the entire experience on whatever their opinion would be after the not-owned storytelling was done.
Reread that last sentence.
I didn’t own the story I was telling with my music, instead basing the entire experience on whatever their opinion would be after the not-owned storytelling was done.
It’s so twisted. How could I possibly deliver the best story for them to even form an opinion about if my performance was based on the opinion that would come only after it were delivered?
This is surely why right after a performance/speech/whatever stressful moment we feel good and want to go do it again, filled with new confidence and a sense of relief. The reassurance has come. If only it were there beforehand!
Change The Story
What if we were to flip things around? Instead of inventing stories to fill the void of yet-to-come reassurance that occurs with performing for strangers, what if we fill it with a story of our own, one that eases the nerves and helps us own the experience?
What if when looking out at a sea of strangers, wondering what they think, we instead pretend they are a herd of sheep, or elephants, or stuffed animals, or something else silly? Because, really, what’s the difference? The performance you’re giving is EXACTLY the same as the practice sessions in the living room, exactly the same speech practiced in front of your dog. Your dog doesn’t care. The herds don’t care. The pressure we feel isn’t from them, it’s inside our own heads.
More Performing
As I moved into High School and then college and the professional music realm, I used fun tactics to keep my head on straight in regards to performance anxiety. For example, sitting in the back row of the orchestra made it easy to wear fun shoes – nobody could see my feet. Adding a spark of “me” and fun kept me grounded in remembering that the reassurance regarding the performance comes from within.
Pickle Pin
At one point I was in Pittsburgh for a new music seminar. It was difficult music, highly exposed, and I was under more pressure than usual. It was also chamber music so I had to wear nicer shoes. As part of our welcome packet, there were little trinkets that represented the city of Pittsburgh, one of which was a teeny tiny Heinz pickle pin. This became my new version of fun shoes – I pinned it into the bottom hem of my skirt. From that day forward until it got lost in a move at some point, it was pinned to the inside of whatever I performed in, always a reminder to forget the crowd, be present, and chill.
The pickle was my reminder to find reassurance from within, a reminder to change the story.
New Stories
Moving forward, this is the perfect timing for me to rethink this entire concept. It took me years and YEARS to overcome the performance anxiety with music. Entering into the world of competitive bodybuilding, where we perform on stage in a tiny bikini in front of not only a crowd but also a panel of judges, I’d like to enter it all with rock solid self-assurance. Excitement, not nerves. I’d like to put the performance of my dreams out there and let the resultant opinions roll in as they may. The story I want to tell myself is that others before me have mastered this, therefore I can, too.
Change Your Story?
This part is blank for you:
What stories are you telling yourself that are not true?
What stories can you replace them with?
Change the story, change your life.
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