State of the Wait

Happy First Day of Fall! I love the turning of seasons, a moment to reflect and also look ahead. Wrap things up, zoom out in order to zoom in again, take a breath, assess. Tomorrow marks 8 months post-op (Remember that? The impetus for starting this whole blog?) so today seems like a good day to assess the state of the wait.

State of the Wait

I’ve been busy writing each morning about whatever comes to mind, sometimes not until I put fingers to keys, but sometimes about whatever is going on in my life, conversations, relevant topics, interesting things I’ve read or listened to recently. Very little lately has been related to my surgeries and recoveries, almost like they are in my distant past.

Not quite yet.

I’ve simply moved forward so successfully they are no longer a daily thought. This is my greatest test of patience ever – the lesson my life returns to over and over. The universe really wants me to get it this time and I’m totally on board. Ready for this?

I’ve fallen in love with the wait.

This is my place. I’ve turned what could have been a miserable wait into my favorite period. At first it forced me to stop, but the stop caused me to go back and fix things with my family, go inward and grow, write, ultimately set myself on a path to being my best self physically, mentally, wholly. I have intense gratitude for the wait and I love it.

State of the Eight

Ok, so 8 months post-op, let’s assess where I am physically and look ahead for an overview of what is coming.

1. Pain Point Inventory – Local metal irritation from the plate and screws. This isn’t going away ever and has been unchanged for months. Compared to other problems of the last three years, it is much less of a bother so I mostly ignore it and carry on.

2. Exogen Bone Stim – My 2x daily ultrasound bone stim sessions are on hold again. My device crashed and burned but a new one is on the way. I’m enjoying the few days break immensely!

3. Fusion Status – Who knows? I don’t even have an next appointment to take a look on the books. I asked for when I should come back – 9 months, 1 year, 2 years, Someday – but I haven’t heard back. I’m not bothered by that – it is telling.

To the outsider this might look like a bunch of roadblocks. Never ending pain point, broken device and stalled treatments, no appointment to target. To me it looks like signs to claim my freedom.

State of the Weight

Instead of obsessing over my recovery and the wait, my energy is put into the weight room and on rebuilding my body, literally lifting weights and putting on weight. My coach has me packing in the food, filling out my frame, pushing heavy in the gym. I have to remind myself that a few months ago bodyweight ROM work was nearly impossible – I often forget as I pile the weight plates on.

Sometimes I wonder if there’s a point where I can get strong enough that the weirdness I feel from the metal plate and screws will just go away?

Wouldn’t it be cool for that to happen? For the entire Wait to fade away on its own and for life to simply move forward without another surgery?

Big Tab Three

Maybe I’ve discovered patience after all and that has been the key to crossing the line of Big Tab Three, finishing this entire journey and moving forward with life. Maybe it has been up to me all along?

Now What?

Ultimately, the state of the wait is that I’m still waiting while simultaneously stepping out of line and doing my own thing – not waiting at all.

I feel like this girl.

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