Hypnagogic Clarity

Big Tab Two had a delightful surprise for me the night of 3/30/2021, just three weeks ago. I was lying in bed listening to a Headspace meditation focused on Creativity. It is a 30-day series and I was just three days in. The prompt was to imagine your creativity as a light in your chest that expands outwards. I’m either really good at meditating or really bad, because the next thing I knew I had slipped into that incredible state of hypnagogia, that place between awake and asleep where reality starts to skew, subconscious thoughts bubble up, and creativity is on fire. That place where you realize you are starting to dream yet you are awake enough to be aware of it. It always makes me smile, and buckle up my mental seatbelt because something cool is always about to happen. Hypnagogic moments present themselves every now and then and always reveal something fascinating, but it is fleeting. I wish I could linger longer to learn more from everything that happens there. On this particular night, it seemed to last for around 15 minutes and then spilled directly into a full night of lucid dreaming.

Hypnagogic State

In my hypnagogic state, the image of the light of creativity in my chest migrated down to my surgery scars, shining brightly and fiercely out of them, like She-Ra, Princess of Power, when she powers up. 

It was an intense rush of creativity stemming from all that has happened to my body. Then the scars became gilded, as if my body were a kintsugi bowl, made more beautiful because of the scars, not in spite of. Along with the gilding was the sensation that the leaks of energy that I described in Bowl Of My Soul had in that very moment closed and my life energy was finally contained within myself.

Complete Integration. Strong, Balanced, Symmetrical, Clear. For the very first time in my life.

As if the pubic joint bones had finally grown together juuuust enough to close that giant leak. I felt a huge shift in my physical healing, and then everything I had been rumbling with in regards to what I shared yesterday suddenly made sense. The physical integration felt so amazing, I just had to apply it to everything else!

Lucid Dreams

All night long my dreams were filled with what living in this new reality felt like. In my dreams, I had resolved everything with my parents, completely freeing myself from the hurt and damage – my inner world matched my new outer integration. I kept waking up, declaring “F YEAH, I’m INTEGRATED,” then I’d smile, laugh, and go back to sleep to get some more of that! I could not wait to get up the next morning to make it all my reality. I was ON FREAKING FIRE, so pumped up!

Understanding

Yesterday I talked about the deep realization of the heart, the source, the seed of our 25 years of disconnection – me. But at the point where I had discovered this, I was still rumbling with it. I needed time before deciding what sort of action to take. Einstein 55/5. I realized that I was the source, but did that make everything that happened as a result ok? Forgiveness doesn’t need to include agreement or condoning, right?

I took time to imagine myself in my parents’ shoes, trying on all sorts of angles and perspectives to find my answers to those thoughts. I was mostly there, but not quite. The hypnagogic vision, night of lucid dreaming, and resultant feeling of integration put it all together for me.

I realized that since these messages and understanding came from my subconscious, I have actually known all of this all along, it just took getting into this state for my soul to successfully deliver the message to my stubborn, conscious mind.

Meditation does cool things to our bodies and brains!

It was clear what I needed to do to heal it all.

Action

It was essential that I call both of my parents and wholeheartedly own and apologize for all that I did that set everything destructive in motion. Giving this apology and sharing my ownership with them was the one thing that would finally set me free, not the forever-wished-for apology I had always felt they owed me.

That simple recognition set me partway there, but doing it was absolutely happening and critical. THAT DAY. No more tiptoeing, no more sweatypalmed middle school kid too awkward to say hello or I’m sorry, no more weird avoidy stuff. JUST. GO. DO. IT. Because I was ready and I had figured this out.

In the morning, I set up a time for late that afternoon that they both would be available and made the call.

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