My subconscious creativity the night before gave room for a new version of myself. I had moved from dysfunctional persistence on being right to focused moxie on getting it right. Perched atop the edge of my bathtub (mom code for “only place to have a private phone call”), I made the call. It was time to put all of my radical self-inquiry into action, time to integrate my inner and outer worlds.
As planned, I owned and apologized for my part in the destruction of our relationships. I shared that my intentions of past actions were never aimed towards them and I gave apologies free from qualifiers and “but”s. I acknowledged that, while I do not agree with many of their responses to my choices, I understand that they are human and their responses were their own, well-intentioned, and their means of protecting themselves. I acknowledged that it is up to them to decide how they feel about their part just as I was deciding on and apologizing for my part. We all acknowledged that there was information that wasn’t shared over the years that could have made a lot of difference. I let them know that I no longer had any negative feelings about them or anything that happened, that I did not require the explanations I had always wanted, and in doing so gave myself 100% freedom. I forgave them and I forgave myself.
My mom asked me point blank what I want, what did I hope to achieve with this. Ultimately, peace. For all of us. To drop the bags of burden and move forward with love. To detach the already done deeds from the doer, in both directions. To move out of barely tolerating, move through the stages of acceptance and respect, and into appreciation. To form a new future based on all that is good in us. To be able to call each other up and talk about rhododendrons in her garden and the crayons and stickers on my walls. She and I are both phenomenal people; everyone in each of our lives agrees. It is time to put down our unnecessary loads and use our arms for hugging instead. I invited them to join me in doing this.
My parents were surprised to get this message with a new point of view from me. We had all been stuck on the same Sisyphean path of nowhereness all of those years when all along we could have just grabbed each others’ hands and jumped off onto solid ground.
Reconciling is something we have all wanted, but none of us knew how. At least I didn’t. Interestingly, the answers were in me all along, I just had to make the shift from being right to getting it right, and ever since doing that, the whole Universe has conspired to help.
My barn having burned down, I can now see the moon.
Mizuta Masahide
We ended our phone call with them asking for time to absorb and process this entirely new messaging and feelings. Completely understandable.
In the meantime, I continued to write this blog, working my way through the parts of the story all the way up to the morning my dad called me a few days ago, the exact morning I was sitting down to write about our conversations and his impeccable timing that stunned me the day of my surgery, It Is All Connected. I had not heard from him or my mom since the day of the phone call I’m sharing in this post today so, again, his timing was undeniably connected. He confirmed that they were both ready and happy to try out our new way of being together. I don’t know if he could hear it through the phone, but my heart felt the best it had in my whole life.
Mom and Dad, I love you.
Only time will show where it goes and grows, but were are on a good path now. The reconciliation is real. I want to scribble giant hearts and balloons and rainbows all over my walls with fat Sharpies just to call up and talk about it. This is real!
And so the story folds upon itself, the past converging with the present, integrating the physical and emotional/mental/spiritual.
Despite the marred pages of my past,
Rachel Macy Stafford
today is a blank page
lined with yesterday’s wisdoms and braveries,
making me more compassionate to others
and stronger for myself.
I shared all of this with you not just to tell my story, but also as an act of love. This blog is about me, but it is also about you, too. Maybe you have unresolved stuff that seems unfixable. Maybe you’re stuck in a physical recovery that has stagnated, so looking inward could make difference. Maybe a piece of my experience can make a difference for you.
Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth… Love is as love does. Love is an act of will — namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.
M. Scott Peck
The story continues to unfold in all regards, but moving forward the paths are now parallel, and the congruency and symmetry I’ve been seeking are now abundant, creating a whole new synergistic energy. Mark your calendars because 3/31 forever moving forward is the new holiday called Integration Day.
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