When we change the body, we change the mind. They are connected. My new body needs new goals that match, inner and outer. New me, new goals.
I realized this several months ago, most particularly when David and I attempted Every Damn Trail – for one day. Not only did it feel physically terrible, but it was just all wrong in every way. Running together was a beautiful piece from our past that didn’t fit anymore. I worked through the processing of that during my solo Every Damn Street walks – a mourning, recalibration, formulation of new ideas and plans. For several years we were The Running Martins, traveling the world and running races together. But it no longer fits.
And such is life. We grow and change and spiral upwards. As I recover from surgeries, I don’t hope to return to my previous abilities and goals, I hope to be BETTER and aim HIGHER.
I’ve always said that my goal was to be able to return to running ultras. That goal is still valid and will be an indicator that we have accomplished everything – meaning if I can do that, I can do anything with this pelvis!
However, I can see that running at that level is a ways off PLUS I need to spend time rebuilding my body in the gym before putting it through heavy loads of running. It feels foolish to jump right back to running without solidly rebuilding. Just as the pelvis is the bowl of my soul, it is the foundation of my physical structure. I have to honor it and heal it correctly. Plus, I have a brand new keystone (pubic joint fusion) to fortify.
New Goals
So, what are my new goals? I’ve dropped a lot of hints. I’m going to recomp my body and compete in bodybuilding. I’m training for the bikini division because, let’s be real, I can’t imagine putting that much muscle on my tiny frame. This is the PERFECT sport for me right now.
I love getting strong. I love the focus of gym workouts. I need to do the work, anyway, OMG my booty is the saddest ever after all of the surgical work and protracted recoveries. I have excellent discipline, focus, drive, grit, fortitude, endurance. I have a powerful Why, a radical self-love motive, and a massively transformative purpose that extends beyond myself. This is a huge goal and challenge and I get to start from scratch with my body.
I’ve always wanted to build my best body and now is the perfect time.
I. LOVE. THAT.
Why?
What is my Why, radical self-love motive, and massively transformative purpose? As I work through becoming my best physical self with these surgeries and recoveries, I’ve also been working on my inner self. I want my outer self to match my inner self, so pushing it to the pinnacle of my body’s form, beauty, and abilities makes perfect sense.
A wholistic transformation.
This is to create congruency and symmetry between my inner and outer selves and to honor the gift of having a whole body. I feel a sense of duty to continue the improvement process after healing to make my body the very best I possibly can – for me, for those who have helped me, and as an example for everyone else that you can do whatever you set your mind to
Bikini requires a perfect pair of glutes; they are the centerpiece. These surgeries have left me with 11 sizeable scars all around my hips, glutes, upper thighs, and lower abdomen, plus a completely decimated booty in regards to shape and strength. I cannot think of a stronger comeback statement than to overcome all of that and create my perfect body, scars and all, and literally present it to the world
Limitations be damned, there are always ways to work around them and achieve your goals one way or another.
I would also like to be a loud voice for hip dysplasia in general and find ways to bring about better neonatal screening and testing so others don’t have to go through what I have. The current testing is antiquated and rudimentary and needs a lot of improvement.
Congruency
I use the word congruency a lot. This is because until these last 2-3 years of working through all of this I have never felt it, therefore I have purposefully sought it out.
With music I was careful, calculated, technically perfect, but always guarded. Incongruent.
With running I was always going toward something, seeking, working things out as I ran, but never fully bringing to fruition the awesome thoughts I had. Also incongruent.
But, like Forrest Gump, I’ve finally arrived and I’m ready to show my whole self. Integration and congruency.
So, this will have some fun challenges! Historically, I’ve participated in sports that require efficient linear motion – running, swimming, cycling. Even with playing musical instruments we strive to be as efficient with the physical effort as possible.
The workouts in the gym is in line with that sort of linear efficiency, but posing is a whole new animal for me. O.M.G. I don’t dance or wiggle or have a sexy bone in my body – this is going to require a lot of practice and a lot of my powers of visualization. Plus, the heels and bikini, and hair and makeup? You’ll most commonly find me in CO outdoor girl garb with a messy bun and chapstick. I wear mascara on fancy days.
Fasten your seatbelt! Time to learn something new and birth a new part of me!
In the words of my coach…
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