Reciprocity

I had a lightbulb moment last week while listening to two podcasts that came out on the same day. One was about the “Strong Friend” and the other was titled “How To Ask For Help.” As a lifelong “Not Needer, Too Tough To Ask For Help” person, these two intrigued me so I listened while doing my morning workout. Boy did I need to hear these, especially the second one! I learned that what has been missing in my friendships is reciprocity – but not in the way we traditionally think of it. Allow me to explain…

Reciprocity in Friendships

We typically think of how good we are as a friend in terms of giving. As in, what we give to others is what matters and what we should focus on. Giving is good! It feels good to be of service to others. I know I love it. There is no greater feeling for me with friends than being able to give in any way I can.

But, this goes both ways. We have to also be able to receive. I mean, duh, right? In order for others to be able to give to us, we have to be able to fully receive.

That’s so hard for me.

Diminished Friendships

I think I’ve made some terrible friendship mistakes. I see it now. You see, I’m a giver in my friendships, but rarely a taker. And I’m definitely very rarely an asker!

I had some beautiful new female friendships forming over the past year and a half that suddenly seemed to stop right around the time of my last surgery, 1/22/2021. My friends generously rallied to help me out however I needed but I let them all know that I not only did not need help (I’m a pro at this post-op life by now) but I was also not comfortable receiving help. I’ve talked about this in regards to Identity, but it is also a part of my innate Not Needer-ness and, ultimately, ego. Yikes!

I thought this was good. Easy on them. I wouldn’t be a bother to anyone. I could do my thing like a well-oiled machine through recovery. Then we’d slip back into deepening our friendships.

But here’s the thing. Just as there’s an imbalance when someone is a chronic taker but not a giver, the same is true in the reverse. We have to be able to both give AND receive.

As a result, these friendships have moved to the periphery and I feel like they are mine to rekindle. Beautiful women that I adore and appreciate deeply. I messed up. I’m so sorry!

Giving

According to Erwin McManus, when we give we form a bond with the person we are giving to. It feels good and we are more deeply connected. But it is only the giver that deepens the bond, not the receiver. So, for all my giving, I’ve created bonds with those I’ve given to but not allowed others to form them with me. People that really want to. I see that now.

Receiving

Receiving might be incredibly uncomfortable for someone like me, but it gives others the chance to bond with us just as we do with them while giving.

That’s the reciprocity I’ve been missing. What I thought was a good thing was actually damaging. I’ve deprived friends of the opportunity to bond to me in the same way that I have with them.

Ouch.

That was 100% not my intention. I’m so happy I see that now.

Time For True Reciprocity

With that, I am going to bust down some of my walls and let others in, allow friends to give to me, and practice true reciprocity.

Lack of reciprocity ruins friendships.

– Mason Cooley

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