Last night I attended a Kat Vellos event, Here To Make Friends. This was a two-hour online event with the purpose of gathering to meet new people and potentially find friends. I originally ran across Kat, author of We Should Get Together, on a podcast, visited her website to learn more, and saw the event. Intrigued, I signed up.
Why?
I don’t lack friends. I have the world’s BEST BFF. But I do have room for more and I love meeting new people, especially ones that are open to sharing themselves generously. This event promised to bring people together with that open-minded purpose, something I value in my closest friendships.
Adult friending is so curious and complicated. Why?
When I take my 5 y/o daughter to a playground, before I can barely get my car door shut she has already run up to another child, invited them to be friends, and they’re off and playing. Then the kids fluidly move around with everyone else, playing together like a giant amoebic blob of fun and giggles. Naturally, these are not deep, forever friendships, but they are formed in an instant with the mutually understood and unspoken goal of “we’re here to play together today, no strings attached.”
Meanwhile, the adults sit off to the sides, separated, isolated in safe bubbles, typically with a device as an extra layer of protection. It feels like the number one goal is to not talk to anyone and be as invisible as possible. Engaging would be risky – What if it turns into something more? What if I’m imposing? What if we don’t like each other? What if we actually connect and now feel obliged to invest in a friendship? What if? What if? What if?
WHOAH!
How about we, the adults, just say hi and have a similar mutually understood and unspoken goal of “we’re here to chat for a few minutes while our children play, no strings attached”? And then as our children move around among all of the kids, we do the same as adults? And if we don’t feel like chatting, we just say so, no harm done?
I’m as guilty of this as everyone else. Sometimes a conversation happens, but more typically I sit to the side, device free, in “available mode.” I think it is time to up my game, reconnect with my inner 5 y/o, and change the adult playground culture.
Last night’s event felt a lot like doing just that. Kat was a master at guiding us with questions and breakout rooms with time to thoughtfully share, but ultimately it made me feel like we were all breaking through the weird adult-created barriers like I’ve described above.
It reminded us all that it is ok to:
- Be ourselves
- Not be liked
- Not like everyone equally
- Have different types of friendships with different people
Aristotle
One of the discussions we had was around Aristotle’s three types of friendships. He defined them as:
- Utility Friendships – friendships that are based around a purpose. Business or work relationships fit this. These are friendships that once the purpose is gone they tend to fizzle out.
- Pleasure Friendships – friendships that are based on emotion. Fun times, college friends, shared interests. Once the fun is over or if the going gets tough, these also tend to fizzle out.
- Perfect Friendships – friendships that are based on the appreciation of the virtues of each other. These friendships are the deepest, with the connection lasting the longest. They take time and trust to build, but they offer the best rewards.
Friendships can fall into any one or combination of categories. And they are all ok! We can’t possibly create Perfect Friendships with everyone we meet. At the playground, it is totally ok to be friends for the duration of time spent there. That time spent connecting with someone new is joy added to both lives.
And what an excellent example to mirror back to our kids!
Another concept to consider is Dunbar’s Number, particularly the circles of friendship. A quick search will reveal more links than one can possibly read, so in essence Dunbar’s research reveals that humans can maintain about 150 friendships. Beyond that and people are considered acquaintances, known names, or known faces. The best source to learn more is from Dunbar himself in his book, Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationships.
As you can see in this graph, we really only have space for a small group of very close friends and best friends. Also, it shows that it is perfectly normal to have friends in all tiers.
Maybe we have a friend that we wish to move to another tier? Maybe we wish to move to a new tier on someone else’s graph? Maybe we can go say so with the same facility as the kids on the playground?
Maybe making friends is as simple as “hello” followed by an invitation, just like kids on a playground?
Thank you, Kat, for the eye-opening experience, and thank you to my fellow attendees for sharing and trying something new together! May we all go forth and make new friends of all sorts!
And to you, my reader, I’m extending an invitation to YOU to move into a closer tier of friendship with ME. Please reach out to me if you’d like this, too! I’m here to make friends!
If you have landed on this page from an external link, please go HERE to read from the beginning. Otherwise, click on the next title below to continue.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.