117 Days. This is the number of days that will have passed from the day I found out my last surgery was a complete failure until the day I have the next surgery. This is the number of days I will have been in a total nightmare. We are 7 days out right now, so I’ve gotten through 110 of them. But let’s go back and examine this…
117 Days in Context
In the grand scheme of life, 117 days is no big deal. And my surgery is also champagne problems compared to what so many other people must experience. So please know that by no means am I putting my issues on that level. Instead, look at this in the context of what it is, what it should be, and what it should have been all along.
Pubic ORIF, aka pubic fusion, should be a single surgery and be healed in 6-12 months. Over. Instead, I’m on the 4th surgery and I’ve had ridiculous complications, no progress, and tremendous damage instead. We did the first surgery in June of 2020, 3.5 years ago now. This history compared to what should have been makes for a ridiculously trying several YEARS! And coming off the 9 hip surgeries that also had a similarly protracted and meandering path, it leads to a very Over It ME! BAH!!
So, this is a yucky post to write. I am normally very positive but this has all been weighing on me for every single one of the last 110 days. I have not slept well a single night. I have been in disbelief, angry, and wholly unsure about the next steps. I have been met with an incredible number of roadblocks, causing me to question the entire thing each time.
Should I even do this??
I said I’d focus on that once I get through all of the roadblocks, but here we are a week out and I still have a major one that is unresolved, so I have to decide without full resolution.
The Breakdown
For better understanding, and probably really just so I can write this out and get a concrete look at it myself – maybe this will help me today, let’s go back and break down the various stages of the 117 day wait.
August, 23, 2023
This was my one-year follow up appointment with Dr. Mei-Dan. Based on previous appointments, I expected we would see an X-ray that looked more solid and that I’d be cleared to start training for races again. I had held off on signing with my running coach until I got this green light. And good thing that I did, because not only did the X-ray look terrible, but we were able to squeeze in an MRI on the spot. I received those results on my drive home and it was clear that we had major problems. He had told me at that appointment that in the off chance it didn’t look good, he would have to refer me to Dr. , the limb salvage and non-union specialist, and that he would need to do a much more extensive surgery. But, it was unlikely.
Except, it was now my reality.
That was a tough drive home. And I couldn’t bring myself to share the news with my family until I’d have a chance to speak directly with Dr. Mei-Dan.
He called me two days later to discuss. It was a dour conversation. An unceremonious handoff, overly objective for even me.
I immediately called Dr. Stoneback’s office to get the process started. Several days later I got an appointment – for 3 weeks after then.
So, I had to wait to even go find out what exactly was happening, what the MRI meant, what could we do about it, etc. So yucky!
September 13, 2023
This was my first visit with Dr. Stoneback. Fabulous, but also just the start. We needed to do new X-rays, bloodwork, and a CT with and without contrast, before he could then meet with a multi-disciplinary panel to formulate a plan. Of course, I did all of those tests right away and we were able to meet again just one week later…
September 20, 2023
…and the news wasn’t good. As I shared in other posts, the plan is extensive and extremely complex. But, I finally knew what to expect. I had SOMETHING to hold onto! I was told that they should have me into surgery in the next 4-6 weeks but to sit tight while they got it all scheduled. In my mind I thought we’d be done before Halloween!
Except it didn’t work out that way at all.
The wait for a surgery date took a WHOLE MONTH! Never have I ever had to wait that long just for a date.
In addition a to that, the estimates took equally as long so I wasn’t even able to submit those for approval.
I was left wondering when and how for way too long! I felt ill and horrified by the unending wait every single day! Each time that I politely asked for an update I was met with very kind replies to sit tight just a bit longer.
I was ok to wait, I just needed something to give me some ease. A date would do!
End of October
When I thought we would be done, I finally got an actual surgery date – December 18, 2023. Another 6 weeks away. But it was a date! I’m very good at waiting, and having a target is everything to me. But the unease at not having estimates and then how to pay for it all still weighed heavily. It still does.
Metals
I don’t want more metal in me. It makes me uncomfortable. Mentally and physically. But, to work though this I went to great lengths to talk with the manufacturers of the proposed products to get the chemical breakdown of each piece, and then went to do further allergy testing. We completed it last week and everything was negative. So, I need to work through the mental part on my own. I cannot place any blame on the metals this time.
How to Fill 117 Days?
Meanwhile, I’ve done an excellent job at compartmentalizing and living a full life. Looking back through photos from the last several months, it has been a FULL time. Purposefully. For the whole family. Here’s a sampling and I am surely missing a lot:
– So much camping
– Jeeping (see image at top of post)
– Multiple Girl Scout adventures
– Rockies/Cubs game
– Three birthday parties
– Massive overhaul cleaning of my house
– Homeschooling two kids
– Everything dance classes
– Swim lessons
– Art classes in Boulder
– Beekeeping
– Projects on my Jeep
– Zoo and museum outings
– Broncos game
– Halloween
– Driving lessons which led to a drivers license for Mason
– Pierced ears
– Lost teeth
– Thanksgiving
– Bee dissections
– A family yurt trip
– Multiple medical appointments
– Dance recital
– And, of course, my own daily workouts = a lot of time on the Peloton and a lot of time in my gym lifting. Both have been my sanctuary.
117 Days Conclusion
The roadblocks make me question if the Universe is telling me not to do it. It is on my mind all the time! My own history makes me question the same. After so much hope and so much failure, can I take more?
I need to figure this out.
I have certainty on what my body needs, but there are more unknowns than knowns. And my history says to expect a lot of unexpected things. Unimaginable things. Do I do what I have always done and just go for it? Or do I, for the first time probably ever, choose something more moderate and accept where I am now and cancel the whole thing? Is this a lesson in not pushing and finally finding moderation? Or is it my moment to push through because success is right around the corner?
117 days is a long time in the context of This Thing to have been feeling this way. Above all I want to feel settled. If you have thoughts or ideas, Please Share!!
If you have landed on this page from an external link, please go HERE to read from the beginning. Otherwise, click on the next title below to continue.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.