Or should I say settled? Unsettled? How to feel settled when you don’t? Here’s where I am…
Not Settled
After spending a few days with my thoughts rather than all the noise around this whole ordeal, or shutting it all down in favor of preserving my mental health, I’ve come up with some ideas around how I feel and why.
It really comes down to wanting to feel settled and embracing that I absolutely do not feel settled. AND, realizing that no matter what I choose to do – do the surgery or do not do the surgery – simply picking one or the other will also not help me feel settled.
There are so many unknowns and opportunities for things to go wrong or sideways or who knows which way, as things always do with me. This is unsettling and leads to a billion more reasons for me to feel unsettled. But, choosing to walk away will also leave me feeling unsettled, never having resolution, always wondering.
Settled
And so I realized that the only way to find the peace I want and need is to take the leap and find out on the other side. That is where the only hope lies. It isn’t guaranteed, but that is the only place where any chance of feeling settled exists.
So, I guess I can feel settled that that is where I have to go mentally and that is what I have to do. Claim my peace and hopefully claim my body again – on the other side of unsettled.
I suppose you could say that settles that. And if Betty White doesn’t help me feel good about it then nobody can!
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